Are you out there?!?!?

I'm laying in the bed with my love and two babies ( and the bubble guts lawdddddd ) and started wondering does anyone read this blog ...........

Life choices and vision board

While I had my mini vacation I found out that I have high blood pressure and can actually die from upper respiratory failure which came as a shock to me but actually it shouldn't have with the life I live and was living . I have been drinking and doing drugs since the age of 16 so I get it but this time I am going to make a conscience decision to change . Never in a million years I thought I would be here but I am so now it is me that has to make a change hence the vision board pics soon to come .  Growing up I never was a child that new what I wanted to be you know the kids that say I want to be a cop fire fighter , or the president I just wanted to be and that is what I did I lived not the way some parents would want for there child but like my mother said I was hard headed . But what I realized is that I always pushed things to see how far I could go and get away with and once I got away with it I would go further and further hence my first rehab attempt at the age of 18, first arrest at 16, first shoplifting experience at 15 and trust it gets worst but I'm saving that for my auto biography lmao but I am though...... Well peeps I am signing off for now plus I have another blog I want to get off my chest just trying to choose my words wisely...... Night night 

Ghetto people should NOT AND I MEAN NOTTTTT work in hospitality

For the life of me I am not sure why ghetto people choose to work in hospitals , hotels, or be receptionist. Over the last week I have never seen so many non African Americans that were so ghetto I get it you want to be in the " now " but once I see a blond Caucasian or an Asian sounding like there from the slums of  Brooklyn Houston we have a problem or maybe it's just me !! For example when a family is visiting the hospital and walks up to the receptionist she should great them with a hello and ask where would they like to go or " hello how I may help you " . Not some Bumqita shaking her head with no smile , and no pleasant attitude . You don't know if the family has lost a love one , or a bad car accident . If I was the supervisor and saw this happening a talking two would happen and if it continue adios amigos . I just had the worst experience in one of Atlanta hospital " Atlanta medical to be exact" the Icu nurses, pca , and security guards were horrible nasty mean and rude (  I advise NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER GO HERE )! I would rather die they were loud , one nurse the whole day sat on her phone , two gay guys wait I mean queens were loud very confrontational and just plain rude but wait so were the charge nurse . I was going to complain to uppers Management and complain but decided against think they probably were the same way. Smh some say it's the area but I disagree I think it's the upbringing and how you see yourself so I guess that's them but I tell ya this never again!!! Signing off and out !!!

Virgo

Ok not sure if you know anything about Virgos but I'm here to tell ya we are worry warts we worry about everything. Along with being a worry wart I am also a hypochondriac I mean for the simplest thing like a bump on my back I will go to the ER, to me a thinking a simple sprain ankle is a broken in too 52 places one . But the worry thing gets me the most, and the thing I worry most about is death and when will it takes place so when it does happen I will be emotionally prepared for it but death one is never emotionally prepared for . Losing a loved one is the hardest thing I could have ever experienced as a matter of fact it is the worst thing to date that I have I experienced even though I knew there was a possibility of me losing my mother nothing prepared me for the emotions that it would bring. From laughing at the good times ( which was many ) that I shared with my queen , to crying and even contemplated suicide because not dealing with life seem more better then going on without Mommy. My higher power God and The fighter in me knows that my work here is not done so clearly that didn't work obviously I'm here talking to you guys lmao. Then there is the worry of losing my father I mean I think of it when I wake even before I sleep at night . Daddy is the only one ( Parent ) I have left so making his life last a bit longer is a priority. I know it seems selfish but what can I say I love that little man and all the little quirky things about him, I love cooking for him and making sure he eats daily why not he's my Dad my Papa Alston. So daily my prayer continues to keep this in it " dear God please at least give me five more years with my daddy cause I can't take losing another this year Amen. What say CraZies am I alone with this type of thinking?!?!? 

Life

Wow ok I know I really need to get my shit together and stop being sometimey ( if that is even a word ) with this blog but my life has had so many hurtles and turns but the one thing that made me almost lose my mind was the passing of my mother on October 31, 14. Yes you read correctly my queen has lost her battle with cancer the doctors informed her on the 28th there is no more they can do for her she gave up fighting on Wednesday the 29th came home on the30th and passed at 11:55 pm on the 31 st . When I tell you that was one of the hardest thing in life I had accept no let me take that back IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I HAD TO ACCEPT IN MY LIFE and I still have a problem accepting it honestly there are times I feel like giving up and resting with her but that is the one thing she would have hated me giving up, so like her I fight and use all options in this thing we call life until my higher power calls me plus I still have my daddy to care for (I JUST LOVE THAT LIL MAN ) ,a partner that loves me unconditionally , a brother that would be crushed along with family and friends so the fight in me is getting stronger every day. 

Bubble bath = thoughts

T

As I sit here in the tub listening to my new (well new to me old to others) favorite artist Banks, a little pray to God went out, for him to guide my steps and just show me the correct way to go. You know our thoughts sometimes can truly be our down fall because I sometimes think has god forsaken me?!?! I know in this thing called life I haven't been the perfect angel and sometimes think I deserve whatever happens to me but then I shake my head and remember that at that very moment my faith in God is being tested. I can count on both hands and probably both feet of how many times I should of been dead in the grave but my God has blessed me to see another day, when others younger then me has been called on home . It shows me that my work here on this earth is not done and yes I may be on borrowed time but I need to use it wisely and that's my problem I HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO, SO AGAIN MY GOD I ASK YOU TO ORDER MY STEPS AND LET ME WALK IN YOUR GREATNESS. I know I know some of you guys are reading this thinking " he must be this save born again Christian " no not yet but I do want to be a born again person ........

Life

Omg life has been throwing curve balls at me for the last year and a half I a. Just sticking my words on here to let you guys " I's here " ( In my southern color purple voice 😂😂😂) . I'm also chilling with the Mister. I promise once I read the last post I left you guys at I will continue my stories from there , and baby YOU WILL GAG ( In my Paris is Burning voice ) BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I crack myself up. Until tomorrow have a blessed and wonderful night ! 

Cancer = Punishment

Omg I feel like I'm about to go crazy !!! I can't go no where with out wearing a mask no one visits me after the first week of calling and checking on me it all died down. My mind is going freaking bonkers . I can say even though I'm in a house full if family I still feel alone . U would think the other half would even come over and keep me company no... which I get no ones life should stop because I have the big C . I know this is gonna be a long journey but hey I'm down with it, I just have to accept what it is and suck it up. This is the first time I have wanted to cry in a week !! 

Death

Ever since I found out I have the big "C" I have not slept at night....... Or at all for more then 2 hours . I wonder if I am scared to die and if that is why I don't sleep.............

What I think hurts the most

Looking in my parents and companion of 7 years eyes and knowing that they want to lose it but won't. It breaks my heart what they do behind close doors I will never know but in front of me they cool like the Jack of spades ......

Let a mother fucker complain bout there life again I went from juicing, multi-vitamins,and protein shakes ........too pills that curbs vomiting , pain, anti viral....... So the next time you want to complain take a look at me life and I bet you this...what u saw as a problem is no longer that big!!! All we have to do is keep our head to the sky and know with your higher power is in this with you!!! Stay strong prayed up and all that.....'give it a try I bet you won't regret it at all..... Good night

First day in public

But I must get out of the sun it makes my skin burn due to the chemo... Please get me through this GOD!! I'm being stared at like I have MSRD or something . So in my mind I just act like they want to know if I'm a terrorist or a Hebrew and there scared. Not the person that scares u away cause you don't know or even want to take the time to know who is the man that wears the mask ..... 

A dream

There are times I still wake up an wonder was this whole cancer thing a dream ..... But then I look at my chest and see the port in my chest for the next round of poison that will be placed in my body and realized its not.......Sigh....

All of me flaws and all

I fell sick as a dog but a good ole selfie made me feel better.....

Fuck fuck fuck

Fuck fuck fuck I did good all the way up until they are discharging me. I pucked up everything and now it's starting to feel like winter!! Please say a prayer for me I CAN'T AND I WON'T LOSE THIS FUCKING BATTLE . I guess if I knew what I would of been going through then it won't make it a testimony and after this i sure will have one. This is making me fight harder for life. If I could find ways to party and get high then I can beat this shit!! Night Night 

Humble New Beginnings

Why am I giving u JI Jane in this lmaoooooo

Before and after 3 days on chemo

Day 2 of chemo therapy

So now I am on day two of chemo and so far so good thank God !! So far the only thing is I have been  extremely exhausted, appetite has in been intact, I'm on the nicotine patch finally praying that I give them things up for once in my life and stick with it! The headaches are still here as a matter of fact I have one as I type, just wish they would go away. I can honestly say I am scared . I read up on chemo and it dawned on me that not only is the chemo killing the cancer cells but also the good ones too!! My immune system is shot , but hey it's either fight back or really go home ya know what i mean Vern ( remember that commercial or show)  and I choose to fight back . Please send your prayers and good vibrations this way oh and Dear God , I ask that if I do lose this battle please let me see Beyonce before hand.....Amen 

The start of it all.....

This is ONE of the growth on my skull and I have two more just no as big, I am constantly having headaches from sun up to sundown these are the two reasons I brought my ass to the ER for the third time. Now lets get this clear YES I was trying to get this checked on but each doctor would brush it off and give me antibiotics........ You know what it just hit me I am kind of tired now I will continue the story a lil later on ok PEEPS KEEP ME IN UR HEARTS  

Man oh man ...

Hey y'all in My Britney Spears voice so much has happened to me since the last post so I am going to try to give it to u in the short way lmaooooooooooo!! On 6/07/2013 I was informed that I have been growing soft tissue masses on my skull..... Basically Cancer!!! I am now here 7 days later admitted to the hospital to receive aggressive chemo treatment . Here is how it is going to work : 5-6 days of chemo 3 weeks off and repeat for the next 4 months. Am I sacred? HELL FUCKING YEA do I know what the future holds UM OBVIOUSLY NO I WOULD OF KNOW THAT I WAS GOING TO HAVE CANCER LMAOOOOOOOOO. I will be using this blog as a diary and my steps to beating this BITCH CALLED CANCER SO COME TAKE A WALK WITH ME. This pic right here is the port where the medicine will through this bitch hurt like I don't know what!! 

BEEN A MINUTE!!!

Well WOW I don't know where to begin I know it has been almost 6 months since I have been on here pouring out my soul in sense to the world. So let's play catch up.... I and the Mister are still separated we do talk via text will we get back together not sure. This year would have made 7 years that we would have been together he holds a special place in my heart and I am open to reconciling what can I say when I LOVE I LOVE!!! Next I also ended a friendship of 12 years with a person that became toxic in sense and until I ended the friendship I didn't really see it until my MOTHER pointed out certain situations and that is when the light bulb went off in my head. Yes Again I know you guys are wondering how can I end a "FRIENDSHIP" so quickly but I realized with some folks you have to love from a distance.....and I rather it that way. Could I be friends with this person again UM NO, I can be cordial if we are in the same place at the same time in the same area but to go out my way to speak or pick up the phone AIN'T HAPPENING CAPTAIN. The only way that would take place if it has to do with death. Next up I did purchase a new car yes GAWD but I have a car note not too happy about that but hey I am mobile thank GOD!!! During this time of lost relationships I have learned and still learning to be by myself something I couldn't do or fathom the thought of but you know what I am fine with it. I cannot lie it is hard at times just wanting to have a good laugh or a grown conversation but hey it will come! Well I touched on a few of the things I have been going through and I PROMISE to keep up with this blog/diary of mines hopefully some of my drama and post can help someone or anyone if they are reading this!!!

EOS

Ok so my BFF knows how much I love my lips and EOS lip Balm so she picked up one for me I open it and look what happens .. NO BALL IT'S BROKEN IN HALF IM SUPER PISSED NOW I HAVE TO SCRAPE IT OUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS WONDERFUL LIP BALM!!!

Days

Since the break up I have good days, but for some reason I woke up this morning and I'm having kind of a bad one and I really wouldn't call it a bad one!! It's no crying or why we can't be together or the angry black gay man thing at all I'm fine with the break up but I continue to have thoughts of him. Noooooooo not thoughts of being with him but wondering what's he doing and who he is doing it with. I know that he was cheating I don't have proof but my heart that is telling me he was is proof enough. Well I'm going to church today with my family so that should get my mind right and then I head home to start the work week! Happy Sunday!!

You can count on me

The one thing I can say is that I realized today I am not alone. I have been blessed with a loving family and true friends. I now know I will be alright it will take me a minute to get my life back on track but I WILL BE ALRIGHT!! My heart is smiling a little :-)

PML

Ok here is another PHUCK MY LIFE MOMENT FOR U, this bastard left me with a 2300.00 debt for an apartment that we had to leave because he had a new job and end up getting fired from a few months later. Now I am starting to not like him very much!! I don't believe that I was gone on love like that I WILL NEVER EVER LOVE ANOTHER LIKE THAT AGAIN !!! NEVER

Wow

Well I brought my new year in fighting with the one person I love. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR

New Year

So we are embarking on a New Year 2013!! 2012 was not my year at all I can honestly say I lost it all , car, computer, TV , and some what something in my relationship but the one thing I lost that was important to me is myself!! Yes I can admit I lost myself and who I am the life that I should be living. Yes it was many things that played a part in this but I have no one to blame but myself ! I need to get back to what was important to me and learn more about me ! The one thing I will say is I am resilience no matter hard I fall I always bounce back into place, but I'm getting tired a falling and dusting myself off again! I refuse to go into 2013 making resolutions that I will not keep. The one thing I will do us hold my head up to my higher power and pray for him to continue to work on me and with me!! This year has taking a toll on me I can really say. I have brought things and people back in my life that shouldn't be! Sigh well for the past month this has been on my heart I have to really let go of people places and things GOD I NEED U NOW MORE THEN EVER PLEASE HERE MY CRY KNOW IN MY HEART THAT ITS SINCERE I AM GETTING TIRED MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY

COMPLICATED

Can someone please explain to me why do people list there relationship status as complicated. Every relationship has complication so my thing is either your in one or your not. RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED PERIOD.

Rhymes with Snitch | Entertainment News | Celebrity Gossip: Jovan Belcher was with Another Woman Before Murder...

Rhymes with Snitch | Entertainment News | Celebrity Gossip: Jovan Belcher was with Another Woman Before Murder...: According to reports tragic sports star Jovan Belcher was out with another woman the night before he killed himself and his girlfriend af...This is sad HOW THE HELL HE WAS OUT CHEATING, SPENT THE NIGHT OUT WITH THE FEMALE, AND THEN COME HOME AND KILL THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD REALLY LIKE WTF, TO ALL U CHEATERS PLEASE KILL URSELF FIRST BEFORE KILLING THE INNOCENT VICTIM !!! NOW THIS LITTLE BABY HAS NEITHER PARENT BECAUSE THE FATHER COULDN'T KEEP HIS PENIS IN HIS PANTS!!! I AM SO FREAKING PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!

I HATE COMCAST

Ok so I get my bill today a whopping 336.25 last month and this month combined!! Ok so as I read the bill I notice there is a charge of 38.00 for cutting my service back on. WTF !!!! Why am I getting charged 38 bucks for something that came on automatically as soon as I paid the bill???? It's not like a person had to come out here and cut the damn thing I so why am I getting charged this damn fee???? So I call to ask a question on hold for 25 min!!! Finally I get a person and I discuss my bill but was also informed that starting January, 2013 they are no longer accepting promise to pay!!! What the hell this company robs you every chance they get. I PROMISE YOU AS SOON AS AT&T CABLE IS AVAILABLE IM SWITCHING . How can you not assist your customers with promise to pay isn't that customer satisfaction?? Man I really hate this company and they know they have us by the balls because without cable there is no TV COMCAST Y'ALL SUCK!! MIND YOU I JUST NOTICED THEY CHARGED ME TWICE FOR THE REACTIVATION FEE ONCE ON THE 21at and the on the 26 and the pics here to prove it..... COMCAST I HOPE UR COMPANY TANKS